My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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