Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
