there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
