I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
