By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
