I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
