Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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