i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize