You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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