Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
