Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
