Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize