Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My ATM looks so different sober.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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