I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
