I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
