I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
