just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
