That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
