I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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