I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
