I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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