Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
