believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize