I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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