There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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