I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
