i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
