Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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