Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
