I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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