I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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