Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
