the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
