She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
