well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize