I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
