he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
