Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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