He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
