Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
