nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
