On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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