I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
