fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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