Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize