Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize