i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
