Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He shit in the fireplace
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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