Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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