After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
