Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
