i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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