508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
