I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
