i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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