it was like his penis was on wheels.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
