so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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