Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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