I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
