guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
