The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
