the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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