I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
