just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
smell my finger.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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