Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
